My Thoughts, 20 Years Later: Part Two

Tender Mercies
Tender Mercies of the Lord are real and they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.” - David A. Bednar

As I have grown older, I have been able to reflect and see how the Lord’s hand has constantly been in the details of my life. I love looking for tender mercies, and little miracles that happen each day. The more I acknowledge them, the more of them I notice. There were many tender mercies that happened that day. It is so, so, SO easy to get wrapped up in the horrific events that occured. I find myself doing that a lot, especially this time of year. But as I have recognized the tender mercies from that day, it has helped my heart to heal. Here are a few from my story.  Some may seem silly, but it is a testament to me that God is always in the details if we take a closer look:

• I could not find my high heels to wear that day. I had to dress up for a DECA breakfast, and I REALLY wanted to wear my cute black heels. I was so mad that I couldn’t find them, and so I begrudgingly settled on some flats. Of course I had no idea that in a few short hours I would be running for my life as fast as I could, up a staircase, down a hall, out the door, down a steep hill, across a busy road, and over a fence. Had I been in heels, I would not have been able to run as fast or as easily. I know it wasn’t just an annoying coincidence that I could not find them to wear, but a tender mercy.
• Driving back from the DECA breakfast, my best friend and I got lost. It took us a good 15 minutes longer than it should have to get back to school. We were just beginning lunch, instead of finishing. I don’t know where we would have been had we not been late. I think of all the times we would walk outside and up the side hill, sometimes stopping by the library. It’s easy to get caught up in the what-ifs. But something tells me we were supposed to get lost, so we were where we were when it all began.
• I was running with my best friend. We were linking arms holding onto each other. When we reached the top of the stairs, we heard more shots to our right. There was so much chaos. Amidst this chaos we were separated. I thought she was right behind me but she wasn’t. When I got out of the school I stood at the edge of the field as close as I could get, looking at the doors I had ran out of,  waiting for her to come out. I thought for sure she had to be right behind me. I had no idea she had been trampled and ended up stuck in a classroom for hours. Although the guilt of that has haunted me for years, there was a tender mercy in it. I was so worried as the hours went on. I didn’t know where she was. As I sat glued to the tv, hours later her picture came across the screen. I burst into tears when I saw her, and saw that she was safe. As soon as it was possible, I was able to see that she was okay, and I didn’t have to wait any longer. Such a tender mercy.
• I was in the cafeteria. There was a bomb that had been placed and set to go off as we ate. It was found a few tables from where I was sitting. Had it gone off as planned, everyone in that cafeteria would have been killed. It wasn’t until months later that we found out that the only reason it didn’t go off was because of a faulty wire. A tender mercy....a miracle really.
• Brandon had just left the school prior to when everything happened. He went home to drop off his car to be repaired. I am forever grateful that he was not present at the school during the shooting, as he tends to move closer to the action instead of away when things happen. It is his natural instinct to jump in and help right away. I feel like him not being there, prevented him from jumping into harm's way. Something that could be justified as just a coincidence, but a tender mercy in my eyes.
• My sister was saved by our principal, who had been in the right place at just the right time to stop her and her friends from walking into the line of fire. They were unknowingly headed right where everything was happening when he heard them. The gym doors that were directly behind them were locked because the school had gone into lockdown. He had a key ring which held every key to the school. He had no idea which key unlocked the door. They were in a panic not knowing if they were being followed and they were terrified. The first key that he tried, unlocked the door, allowing the girls  to be hidden and safe, while he ran on to figure out what was happening. He has said that he tried to do the same thing time and time again to see if he could randomly choose the correct key, and has never been able to. It is a not a coincidence that the first key he tried unlocked the door. It was a tender mercy.
• My grandparents were visiting from Idaho. It was such a blessing to have them there. They brought us comfort, and hugs and strengthened us as we went through the unimaginable. It was a tender mercy for them as well, as I know it would have been torture for them to be so far away from us.
• When I reached the outside of the school I congregated with several other students in the front of the school. Moments later more gunshots were heard coming form the front of the school. Sure that they were coming after us, we all began running, crying, down the road into the neighborhood across from the school. I live in that neighborhood. A car stopped and picked up two friends and I. They drove me to my house. The door was locked. Too terrified to wait outside, we went to an acquaintances house around the corner. I was able to get ahold of my mom who rushed over to get me. As soon as I saw her I ran out the doors and into her safe, open arms. I’m so grateful I was able to be reunited with family so quickly, and that our parents were able to find out that we were safe without having to wait for hours to know. I have faced guilt about this as well though, and have had to make a conscience effort to just be grateful for that tender mercy that day.

I am so grateful for the tender mercies amidst the darkness that day. I have heard of so many more from my classmates’ stories as well. Focusing on these, have helped me to overcome the trauma and the feelings of guilt I have had, and still have from time to time.