WARNING: This post contains emotional and irrational thoughts of an overly exhausted pregnant woman.
On Saturday I went to the general women's broadcast with my mom. My favorite talk was by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. Yesterday morning while I was trying to make time go by quickly I came upon this free printable of a quote from his talk. You can get a copy here.
The reason I was trying to make time go by quickly, is because I was anxious for a doctor's appointment I had scheduled for 9:15. This was not a routine visit, it was one I called and made that morning in a complete panic. The panic began the previous week. 12 days ago on my facebook page I posted that I had felt the baby move a ton, and loved it! Well, since that time I had not felt the baby move at all. I would sit there and try to really focus to feel any type of movement. Nothing came that was even remotely similar to the movement I felt that day. I tried to push the worry aside, convincing myself that I was still not very far along, and that was probably why I didn't feel much. But I could not forget those strong kicks I felt that one day and oh how I longed to feel them again, to get some kind of reassurance. Well, a few nights ago, I was talking to my mom, and we started talking about the Cantaloupe recall because of listeria that had been found in them and had sickened many people. I hadn't been too concerned up to this point, because I knew that I only eaten cantaloupe once this summer (granted it was a whole cantaloupe over the course of a few days) I figured since it was a month ago and I hadn't gotten sick that I was fine. I didn't even think that it was the bend that had been recalled. Well when talking to my mom, she informed me that it had been the brand that had been recalled (she was the one that bought it) and that she was reading that sometimes the listeria strain incubates for a month before you show any symptoms. She was trying not too sound worried, but I could sense a little concern in her voice. Listeria is extremely dangerous for pregnant women. she said just to be on the safe side, if I got a fever, that I should probably call the doctor. So I pushed this to the back of my mind. Then on Sunday night I started thinking about it again, and decided to look it up online to see if I could find out any more info. Well, that was my first mistake. Everything I read left me completely terrified! I called my mom and told her of my worries, and she reassured me that I was OK, and that thousands of people had eaten the cantaloupes and been fine. She also told me to STOP looking online. Well I should have listened. I kept looking a little bit more. I read that the incubation period could be up to 2 months, pregnant women are 20 times more likely to pick it up, and that the baby is the most affected. I freaked out a little, but tried to push the scary thoughts aside so I could sleep. Well at 3 am I woke up. It didn't take long for my thoughts to go back to what I had read. Pretty soon I had worked myself up into a tizzy. I had convinced myself that I had listeria, and had just not noticed the symptoms because they are similar to the symptoms that I was already experiencing with this pregnancy. I was convinced that the infection had reached the baby, and that the baby had died, and that was why I hadn't felt the baby kick lately. (I know this sounds extreme, but these were my thoughts!) I layed there awake with worry until my alarm went off to get up and get the kids up. I had devised a plan. I was going to get up a little earlier then usual so I could shower before I woke the kids up. Then I would call the doctor and see if I could get in. After getting the kids ready I woke up Brandon and informed him of all of my worries and that I was going to take the kids to school, and that he didn't have to get up yet because I needed him to come to the doctor with me. He was so disoriented from just waking up, and I am sure that he was thrown totally off guard. Especially when I told him that something was wrong with the baby and he needed to prepare himself for the worse. I went on to get ready. Brandon came out, and tried to convince me that everything was OK. He was torn, because he really needed to go into work because they had a ton of stuff going on. In the middle of my crazy emotions, I said, "Fine! I will go by myself and be all alone just like last time!" (I feel so bad that I said that!) He then realized how worried I was and tried to get a hold of someone from work. Seeing that he couldn't get a hold of anyone, I told him that I wold just have my mom come with me, because she had told me that she didn't have anything going on already that day. So I sat on the rocking chair trying to hold it together until Brandon and the kids left for school. (I was able to hide how I was feeling from the kids, so they had no idea what was going on) I text my mom, and she told me that she was supposed to give a lady from her ward a ride to work but that she could come with me anytime after 9:30. She also said that she wold try and find someone else to take the lady, all the while trying to convince me that everything was fine. But I had made up my mind that something was wrong and nothing would change it. When the clock changed to 8:00 I called the doctor right away (that's when they open) I told them of my concerns and they said that I could come in at 9:15. I called my mom, and she said that she thought that she would be back right at that time and she could meet me there. When I hung up Brandon called. By this point I was a complete mess and after hearing my voice, he said he was on his way back. He got back just in time for us to leave. While we were driving there he tried to cheer me up. He was so sweet, but I was pretty un cheerable by that point. I again told him to prepare himself for the worse. Well after having to wait forever for them to even check us in because of insurance annoyances, we finally got checked in, and were called back right away. I was seeing a nurse that I had not seen before. She was very sweet, and didn't make me feel bad at all for my worries. She got the doppler out and starting trying to detect the heartbeat. I heard a heartbeat right away, and felt some relief until she informed me that, that was actually my heart beat that it was picking up (it was racing). She moved the doppler around some more, and could still only pick up my heart beat and not the baby's. She then said, "Well let's just got straight to the ultrasound to get a better peak" As she was getting the ultrasound set up I mouthed to Brandon "I told you" Well, as soon as she put the ultrasound wand on my stomach there popped up the baby, wiggling around all over the place. Everything was fine. The heartbeat was strong, and she counted 8 movements in the few minutes she had the ultrasound on. She said they just want to see 10 in 2 hours so that was great to see 8. I felt relieved to see him or her moving around on the screen. We asked her if she could tell what it was, and she said, that she wouldn't be able to tell even if she tried because she wasn't trained for that. Bummer! I told her my concerns about the listeria virus, and she said that if I developed a fever, to come in and they could give me a blood test to see if I had the infection, but that most likely I was just fine.
So we got pictures and headed on our way. I immediately started to feel so silly that I had worked myself up into such an uncontrollable panic. I hate that I let myself get to that point! I really think that my miscarriage last year is still having a huge affect on me. I no longer have a sense of security with my [pregnancies, and suddenly the realization that things can go wrong and do go wrong are at the front of my mind. I am hoping and praying that this is the last episode like this that I have.
This brings me to the quote I posted at the beginning. When I had been praying and praying all night long, I admit that my faith was wavering. I had thoughts, like, 'why would He answer my prayer when there are so many other people praying' Why would He save my baby and not someone elses. I feel terrible for thinking those things, but I did. When I came upon that quote it made me realize that Heavenly Father really does hear ALL of our prayers, and they He cares about ALL of our concerns. For a minute during my crazy thoughts this morning, it brought me some peace. Unfortunately I was so worked up by that point that the peace only lasted a second. But I am going to print up that quote and post it where I can see and remember that I am never alone. No matter how crazy I may get, He is always there.
I hope the rest of this pregnancy can go by quickly with much less drama! =)