My Thoughts, 20 Years Later: Part Three

“Broken minds can be healed, just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work, making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, non-judgemental, and kind.”

When I was in college I had a roommate that wanted to write a story for English class about what happened to me. I vulnerably told her my story as she proceeded to take notes to use in her paper. A few weeks later she bounced into our dorm room excited that she had gotten an A on her paper. She said her teacher was so impressed and touched by my story. She said she added a few things to spice it up a bit, and proceeded to read me her paper. What she had written was nothing like what I had told her. She had added horrific,  made up details, because she thought my story wasn’t interesting enough. I was in shock. I had told her about a (still raw) moment in my life that had changed everything for me. It was my  story, and she had changed it. I felt violated and invalidated.

I vowed to never make a person feel like what they went through, or were going through wasn’t hard, or wasn’t a big deal. Everyone goes through trials that are hard. It may seem like someone is going through something that is way harder than you could ever imagine, and it may make you feel like your problems are invalid; that you shouldn’t be so upset over them. This is not the case! Pain is pain, and comes in all shapes and sizes. Every feeling you have is valid and okay to have. Don’t ever feel like you aren’t allowed to grieve, to feel, to have a broken heart just because what someone else is going through seems harder. The reality is, you never know what someone has been through until you walk in their shoes. In the meantime, be there for the people in your life who are struggling. Sit with them, cry with them, listen to them.  Encourage them to feel their pain, and stand by them, somtimes silently, as they work through it.

The best way that I can share my story is through the words that I wrote in my journal three days after April 20, 1999. I shared this once before. The things I went through may not have been as hard as what other people endured, but it is my story.  I have taken out all of the names of people and replaced them with [my friend, a girl, etc] to give those people to the chance to tell their story on their own terms.

This is my story:

April 23, 1999

The past 3 or 4 or however many days it's been, I don't know time just seems to run together, have been the worst of my life. I have never felt this horrible in my life. Let me start at the beginning.... It happened Tuesday, April 20th, a day that will never be forgotten. It started out as any normal day. I had to wear a dress to school for a DECA breakfast and I was in a really bad mood because I couldn't find my black high heels that I wanted to wear with my black skirt. As it turns out, it was better that way. I left for school in a really bad mood. The only class I went to that day was journalism. Right after first hour I left school with [my best friend] to go to the DECA breakfast, which was at the Wellshire Inn. The breakfast was so much fun. Everyone had a great time. Little did we know that this was one of the last fun times we would have in a while. After the breakfast we all headed back to school. After getting lost, then stopping by my house to get candy for my seminary devotional, we headed back to school for lunch. We parked in the student lot joking around as usual. We walked up the stairs and put my candy in my locker then went down to the cafeteria and sat at a table near a door by the windows. We sat with [five other girls.] Everything was totally normal. It all seems like a dream and I remember everything happening in slow motion. I just had got done eating the crackers in my lunchable when [a girl] ran in the door hysterical. She was like, "HELP, HELP!" and she started shaking [my friend,] and pulling her outside. We stood up and looked out the window. I saw [a friend,] hunched over with [a boy,] trying to lift her up. My first initial reaction was, she's choking and needs the Heimlich maneuver. So we ran outside first was [My best friend] followed by me, then, [two other girls.] Then, we heard something that sounded like a pop or something. We didn't really know what was going on and then my friend was like, "oh my gosh someones shooting!" and she pushed us back in. Everyone got under the tables. I remember looking up and seeing a janitor by my table with a look of terror on his face, running around. I don't remember who told us to get under the table but we did. [The girl] who had ran in from outside was under our table. She was hysterical. She was screaming, "[She] got shot" and saying her name over and over.  [My best friend] and I were holding her telling her everything was going to be alright, still totally confused about what was going on. Then, [the boy] , who we had seen with [our friend] outside, ran in and hunched down near our table. His face was indescribable. He said in disbelief to the janitor who pulled him in, "She got shot!". His hands were covered in blood from trying to help her. I don't know how long we were under the table. It couldn't have been very long, although it seemed like forever. All of a sudden we heard the sound of gunshots coming from the far end of the cafeteria by the vending machines. I think someone yelled, "run!" and it was just chaos from there. [My friend] started crying and saying over and over, "Where's my brother....." I was clenched onto her arm pulling her, we ran up the stairs. It was like in a movie where a huge mob of people are fleeing. As we were running up the stairs all we could hear was screaming and gunshots. It was coming closer and closer. We were running for our lives. All of a sudden, [my friend] fell, and there was a huge stampede, and I ....kept running. I will never forgive myself for leaving her. No matter how many times people tell me there was too big of a stampede and I would never have been able to find her. To me, I should not have run. It is killing me to think of her lying there on the floor getting run on top of, and me just running out the door. I ran straight out the door with a huge mob of other students, and straight across the street, no one looking before they ran across. When we got across I saw [another friend], and ran up to her. That is when I totally lost it. I started bawling and she was trying to comfort me. No one really knew what was going on. I saw [two other friends] and told them that [a girl] had been shot, and they started crying too. I ran up to [my best friend’s brother] and asked if he knew where [she] was. He didn't. I asked where my sister was, and no one knew. Every time people would run out of the school, I would look for [my best friend] and my sister but I never saw them. Then, suddenly, there were gunshots from the front of the school. We thought they were running out the front doors towards us, so everyone just ran. I couldn't find anyone and finally I found [my two friends]nagain. We linked arms again and ran down the street bawling. People were running everywhere. It was complete confusion. Everyone was scared, so scared....

That is where my journal entry ended. I remember not know what else to say or to think, but I just knew I had to get my thoughts down. 

Thank you to everyone who has been so loving and supportive as I have gone way out of my comfort zone and shared my thoughts. It has been more healing than I ever could have imagined. I will share a few more thoughts over the next few days, but I just wanted to express my deep appreciation to all those who have reached out to me in love. It means more than you know.