My Thoughts, 20 Years Later: Part One

 
When you’re growing up, and a vulnerable teenager, sometimes it feels like the world revolves around you. Twenty years ago, I can definitely say that was my frame of mind. A 17 year old girl whose mind was consumed with the gossip of prom from the previous weekend, as she sat with friends in the lunchroom that day, having arrived late to lunch after getting lost coming home from a DECA breakfast. Its funny how details from our everyday life are easily forgotten, yet other things become etched in your mind, not able to be forgotten even if you try. The clothes I wore, the food I was eating, the conversation we were having, all etched in my mind forever. The screams, the confusion, the running, the looks of terror on everyone around us… etched there forever. Every year as the anniversary rolls around I go into it with the same frame of mind-- it's just a normal day. Let’s just keep on going on. Nothing has to be said, nothing has to be felt, it’s just a normal day. I’m not sure why I feel that way, but I always do. Yet as the day comes closer, no matter how hard I try, my body won’t let me forget. It’s not just a normal day, and never will be, and that’s okay. It’s a part of my past that will always be there.

When something traumatic happens at such a young age, it’s sometimes hard to know whether something you are going through is a result of that. Am I this way because of what I went through, or is that just how I am? Does the reason even matter? Everything we go through shapes us in some way or another. My experiences at Columbine and since, have shaped me into the person I am 20 years later, a person who is still growing and changing, and learning.  As I reflect on the past 20 years, it almost feels surreal. When Columbine happened, school shootings were not something that happened. Since then, they have become a normal occurrence. People want things to change. Everyone has their own idea of what needs to happen. I feel like the best thing we can do is to lift where we stand. We may not be able to change the whole world, but we can influence the people around us. We can teach our children to be kind, to reach out to others, to have compassion, to rely on the Savior in everything. He will take our burdens, He will lift us up, and He will work through us to life those around us. I have to focus on the good or else I will be engulfed by the bad.