My Thoughts, 20 Years Later: Part Three

“Broken minds can be healed, just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work, making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, non-judgemental, and kind.”

When I was in college I had a roommate that wanted to write a story for English class about what happened to me. I vulnerably told her my story as she proceeded to take notes to use in her paper. A few weeks later she bounced into our dorm room excited that she had gotten an A on her paper. She said her teacher was so impressed and touched by my story. She said she added a few things to spice it up a bit, and proceeded to read me her paper. What she had written was nothing like what I had told her. She had added horrific,  made up details, because she thought my story wasn’t interesting enough. I was in shock. I had told her about a (still raw) moment in my life that had changed everything for me. It was my  story, and she had changed it. I felt violated and invalidated.

I vowed to never make a person feel like what they went through, or were going through wasn’t hard, or wasn’t a big deal. Everyone goes through trials that are hard. It may seem like someone is going through something that is way harder than you could ever imagine, and it may make you feel like your problems are invalid; that you shouldn’t be so upset over them. This is not the case! Pain is pain, and comes in all shapes and sizes. Every feeling you have is valid and okay to have. Don’t ever feel like you aren’t allowed to grieve, to feel, to have a broken heart just because what someone else is going through seems harder. The reality is, you never know what someone has been through until you walk in their shoes. In the meantime, be there for the people in your life who are struggling. Sit with them, cry with them, listen to them.  Encourage them to feel their pain, and stand by them, somtimes silently, as they work through it.

The best way that I can share my story is through the words that I wrote in my journal three days after April 20, 1999. I shared this once before. The things I went through may not have been as hard as what other people endured, but it is my story.  I have taken out all of the names of people and replaced them with [my friend, a girl, etc] to give those people to the chance to tell their story on their own terms.

This is my story:

April 23, 1999

The past 3 or 4 or however many days it's been, I don't know time just seems to run together, have been the worst of my life. I have never felt this horrible in my life. Let me start at the beginning.... It happened Tuesday, April 20th, a day that will never be forgotten. It started out as any normal day. I had to wear a dress to school for a DECA breakfast and I was in a really bad mood because I couldn't find my black high heels that I wanted to wear with my black skirt. As it turns out, it was better that way. I left for school in a really bad mood. The only class I went to that day was journalism. Right after first hour I left school with [my best friend] to go to the DECA breakfast, which was at the Wellshire Inn. The breakfast was so much fun. Everyone had a great time. Little did we know that this was one of the last fun times we would have in a while. After the breakfast we all headed back to school. After getting lost, then stopping by my house to get candy for my seminary devotional, we headed back to school for lunch. We parked in the student lot joking around as usual. We walked up the stairs and put my candy in my locker then went down to the cafeteria and sat at a table near a door by the windows. We sat with [five other girls.] Everything was totally normal. It all seems like a dream and I remember everything happening in slow motion. I just had got done eating the crackers in my lunchable when [a girl] ran in the door hysterical. She was like, "HELP, HELP!" and she started shaking [my friend,] and pulling her outside. We stood up and looked out the window. I saw [a friend,] hunched over with [a boy,] trying to lift her up. My first initial reaction was, she's choking and needs the Heimlich maneuver. So we ran outside first was [My best friend] followed by me, then, [two other girls.] Then, we heard something that sounded like a pop or something. We didn't really know what was going on and then my friend was like, "oh my gosh someones shooting!" and she pushed us back in. Everyone got under the tables. I remember looking up and seeing a janitor by my table with a look of terror on his face, running around. I don't remember who told us to get under the table but we did. [The girl] who had ran in from outside was under our table. She was hysterical. She was screaming, "[She] got shot" and saying her name over and over.  [My best friend] and I were holding her telling her everything was going to be alright, still totally confused about what was going on. Then, [the boy] , who we had seen with [our friend] outside, ran in and hunched down near our table. His face was indescribable. He said in disbelief to the janitor who pulled him in, "She got shot!". His hands were covered in blood from trying to help her. I don't know how long we were under the table. It couldn't have been very long, although it seemed like forever. All of a sudden we heard the sound of gunshots coming from the far end of the cafeteria by the vending machines. I think someone yelled, "run!" and it was just chaos from there. [My friend] started crying and saying over and over, "Where's my brother....." I was clenched onto her arm pulling her, we ran up the stairs. It was like in a movie where a huge mob of people are fleeing. As we were running up the stairs all we could hear was screaming and gunshots. It was coming closer and closer. We were running for our lives. All of a sudden, [my friend] fell, and there was a huge stampede, and I ....kept running. I will never forgive myself for leaving her. No matter how many times people tell me there was too big of a stampede and I would never have been able to find her. To me, I should not have run. It is killing me to think of her lying there on the floor getting run on top of, and me just running out the door. I ran straight out the door with a huge mob of other students, and straight across the street, no one looking before they ran across. When we got across I saw [another friend], and ran up to her. That is when I totally lost it. I started bawling and she was trying to comfort me. No one really knew what was going on. I saw [two other friends] and told them that [a girl] had been shot, and they started crying too. I ran up to [my best friend’s brother] and asked if he knew where [she] was. He didn't. I asked where my sister was, and no one knew. Every time people would run out of the school, I would look for [my best friend] and my sister but I never saw them. Then, suddenly, there were gunshots from the front of the school. We thought they were running out the front doors towards us, so everyone just ran. I couldn't find anyone and finally I found [my two friends]nagain. We linked arms again and ran down the street bawling. People were running everywhere. It was complete confusion. Everyone was scared, so scared....

That is where my journal entry ended. I remember not know what else to say or to think, but I just knew I had to get my thoughts down. 

Thank you to everyone who has been so loving and supportive as I have gone way out of my comfort zone and shared my thoughts. It has been more healing than I ever could have imagined. I will share a few more thoughts over the next few days, but I just wanted to express my deep appreciation to all those who have reached out to me in love. It means more than you know.

My Thoughts, 20 Years Later: Part Two

Tender Mercies
Tender Mercies of the Lord are real and they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.” - David A. Bednar

As I have grown older, I have been able to reflect and see how the Lord’s hand has constantly been in the details of my life. I love looking for tender mercies, and little miracles that happen each day. The more I acknowledge them, the more of them I notice. There were many tender mercies that happened that day. It is so, so, SO easy to get wrapped up in the horrific events that occured. I find myself doing that a lot, especially this time of year. But as I have recognized the tender mercies from that day, it has helped my heart to heal. Here are a few from my story.  Some may seem silly, but it is a testament to me that God is always in the details if we take a closer look:

• I could not find my high heels to wear that day. I had to dress up for a DECA breakfast, and I REALLY wanted to wear my cute black heels. I was so mad that I couldn’t find them, and so I begrudgingly settled on some flats. Of course I had no idea that in a few short hours I would be running for my life as fast as I could, up a staircase, down a hall, out the door, down a steep hill, across a busy road, and over a fence. Had I been in heels, I would not have been able to run as fast or as easily. I know it wasn’t just an annoying coincidence that I could not find them to wear, but a tender mercy.
• Driving back from the DECA breakfast, my best friend and I got lost. It took us a good 15 minutes longer than it should have to get back to school. We were just beginning lunch, instead of finishing. I don’t know where we would have been had we not been late. I think of all the times we would walk outside and up the side hill, sometimes stopping by the library. It’s easy to get caught up in the what-ifs. But something tells me we were supposed to get lost, so we were where we were when it all began.
• I was running with my best friend. We were linking arms holding onto each other. When we reached the top of the stairs, we heard more shots to our right. There was so much chaos. Amidst this chaos we were separated. I thought she was right behind me but she wasn’t. When I got out of the school I stood at the edge of the field as close as I could get, looking at the doors I had ran out of,  waiting for her to come out. I thought for sure she had to be right behind me. I had no idea she had been trampled and ended up stuck in a classroom for hours. Although the guilt of that has haunted me for years, there was a tender mercy in it. I was so worried as the hours went on. I didn’t know where she was. As I sat glued to the tv, hours later her picture came across the screen. I burst into tears when I saw her, and saw that she was safe. As soon as it was possible, I was able to see that she was okay, and I didn’t have to wait any longer. Such a tender mercy.
• I was in the cafeteria. There was a bomb that had been placed and set to go off as we ate. It was found a few tables from where I was sitting. Had it gone off as planned, everyone in that cafeteria would have been killed. It wasn’t until months later that we found out that the only reason it didn’t go off was because of a faulty wire. A tender mercy....a miracle really.
• Brandon had just left the school prior to when everything happened. He went home to drop off his car to be repaired. I am forever grateful that he was not present at the school during the shooting, as he tends to move closer to the action instead of away when things happen. It is his natural instinct to jump in and help right away. I feel like him not being there, prevented him from jumping into harm's way. Something that could be justified as just a coincidence, but a tender mercy in my eyes.
• My sister was saved by our principal, who had been in the right place at just the right time to stop her and her friends from walking into the line of fire. They were unknowingly headed right where everything was happening when he heard them. The gym doors that were directly behind them were locked because the school had gone into lockdown. He had a key ring which held every key to the school. He had no idea which key unlocked the door. They were in a panic not knowing if they were being followed and they were terrified. The first key that he tried, unlocked the door, allowing the girls  to be hidden and safe, while he ran on to figure out what was happening. He has said that he tried to do the same thing time and time again to see if he could randomly choose the correct key, and has never been able to. It is a not a coincidence that the first key he tried unlocked the door. It was a tender mercy.
• My grandparents were visiting from Idaho. It was such a blessing to have them there. They brought us comfort, and hugs and strengthened us as we went through the unimaginable. It was a tender mercy for them as well, as I know it would have been torture for them to be so far away from us.
• When I reached the outside of the school I congregated with several other students in the front of the school. Moments later more gunshots were heard coming form the front of the school. Sure that they were coming after us, we all began running, crying, down the road into the neighborhood across from the school. I live in that neighborhood. A car stopped and picked up two friends and I. They drove me to my house. The door was locked. Too terrified to wait outside, we went to an acquaintances house around the corner. I was able to get ahold of my mom who rushed over to get me. As soon as I saw her I ran out the doors and into her safe, open arms. I’m so grateful I was able to be reunited with family so quickly, and that our parents were able to find out that we were safe without having to wait for hours to know. I have faced guilt about this as well though, and have had to make a conscience effort to just be grateful for that tender mercy that day.

I am so grateful for the tender mercies amidst the darkness that day. I have heard of so many more from my classmates’ stories as well. Focusing on these, have helped me to overcome the trauma and the feelings of guilt I have had, and still have from time to time.

My Thoughts, 20 Years Later: Part One

 
When you’re growing up, and a vulnerable teenager, sometimes it feels like the world revolves around you. Twenty years ago, I can definitely say that was my frame of mind. A 17 year old girl whose mind was consumed with the gossip of prom from the previous weekend, as she sat with friends in the lunchroom that day, having arrived late to lunch after getting lost coming home from a DECA breakfast. Its funny how details from our everyday life are easily forgotten, yet other things become etched in your mind, not able to be forgotten even if you try. The clothes I wore, the food I was eating, the conversation we were having, all etched in my mind forever. The screams, the confusion, the running, the looks of terror on everyone around us… etched there forever. Every year as the anniversary rolls around I go into it with the same frame of mind-- it's just a normal day. Let’s just keep on going on. Nothing has to be said, nothing has to be felt, it’s just a normal day. I’m not sure why I feel that way, but I always do. Yet as the day comes closer, no matter how hard I try, my body won’t let me forget. It’s not just a normal day, and never will be, and that’s okay. It’s a part of my past that will always be there.

When something traumatic happens at such a young age, it’s sometimes hard to know whether something you are going through is a result of that. Am I this way because of what I went through, or is that just how I am? Does the reason even matter? Everything we go through shapes us in some way or another. My experiences at Columbine and since, have shaped me into the person I am 20 years later, a person who is still growing and changing, and learning.  As I reflect on the past 20 years, it almost feels surreal. When Columbine happened, school shootings were not something that happened. Since then, they have become a normal occurrence. People want things to change. Everyone has their own idea of what needs to happen. I feel like the best thing we can do is to lift where we stand. We may not be able to change the whole world, but we can influence the people around us. We can teach our children to be kind, to reach out to others, to have compassion, to rely on the Savior in everything. He will take our burdens, He will lift us up, and He will work through us to life those around us. I have to focus on the good or else I will be engulfed by the bad.