Wednesday, April 13, 2011

April 13th

I have debated whether or not to post this. It is so personal. I decided to do it today, because today was supposed to be a very special day for our family. April 13th was day we were supposed to have another sweet baby enter into our family. September 13 that dream ended when I found out the baby I was carrying did not have a heartbeat. When it first happened I had an overwhelming desire to write everything down, to record all of my feelings. I wanted to remember every detail, down to what I was wearing that day. In my journal I cried as I wrote page upon page of my tender feelings. Miscarriage is a heart wrenching thing to go through. I wrote some of my feelings into a blog and left in my draft folder for the past seven months, not really knowing if I would ever post it. My sister encouraged me to, and so I am. Even though 7 months has past and I have gotten back into my normal routine, my heart still feels sad, and my arms ache to hold my baby. Maybe my words will comfort someone else who has gone through this or will go through this. Here is what I wrote on September 17, 2010: ************************************************************************************************************* "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." ~Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. My sister has had this quote on her blog for quite some time. Although I have read it several times, I have read it through different eyes this time. Never did I think I would experience such sadness. I never understood the pain of miscarriage until I had to go through one myself. It has brought me comfort to record my feelings and emotions. 9 weeks and 5 days. I have counted every. single.day of this pregnancy. In 2 more days I would have been 10 weeks. It was the 13th, so I was exactly 2 months pregnant.. I was about 10 minutes early to a meeting I had with Levi's speech therapist on Monday, so as I sat in the car I thought I would call my doctor and see if they could see me that day. I was feeling a little crampy the week before, and not as sick as I have been throughout this pregnancy. I just threw up that morning though, so I am sure everything is just fine, I thought. Brandon was set to leave for Montana in 3 days, so I just want to make sure that everything is ok with the baby before he leaves. They had an appointment for 10:30. Perfect, I thought. That is just enough time for me to have my meeting. The meeting went really quickly so I decided to stop home really quick and grab my Joanns coupon. After the doctors office I wanted to stop and get some fabric to make a blanket for my sweet nephew who was just born on Saturday. Less the a half hour later I was told that my baby no longer had a heart beat. As she looked at the screen, the nurse practitioner said the baby was measuring 8 weeks 6 days. How far along are you? she asked. When she told me that, I knew 9 weeks and 5 days is what the baby should be measuring at, not 8 weeks 6. Where did you say your husband was going? She asked. Montana to sell roofs. I answered. After pausing she said, "I am glad he didn't go" Shock...confusion...disbelief..denial...sadness...tears...more tears...lack of understanding....how is this happening...is this happening....someone please tell me this isn't real....why me...why now...what if they are wrong...what did I do wrong...I want my baby... these are all feeling that I have felt this past week. Sometimes one by one, sometimes all at once, when I least expect it. This week has felt like a lifetime. Amidst the heartbreak that we have been feeling there have been blessings and tender mercies. My mom was supposed to be in Utah this week, but changed her ticket to go a week later so she could be home to help my dad with some things this week. What would I have done without her this week? I really don't know. Brandon was supposed to be in Grand Junction Monday morning in court for a ticket he got when we driving through there on our way to Las Vegas last month. The Friday before he had called and gotten it taken care of over the phone instead. Instead he was at home watching Levi while I ran my errands that morning. I went alone to the doctor thinking everything was just fine. When I received the news, he was only minutes away instead of hours. I don't think I could have walked out of that doctors office without his arms around me, holding me up. Brandon was supposed to leave for Montana to sell roofs on Thursday. Had I not felt like I should go to the doctor just to make sure everything was ok with the baby before he left, I probably would not have even known before he left. He would have gone on his trip and I could have miscarried all alone with him gone. The doctor said I could have gone another month before miscarrying. I have received phone calls, emails, texts, meals, flowers, thoughtful gifts, and many hugs from caring and compassionate friends and family. I have never felt so sad, but so loved at the same time. I know we will get through this, but that doesn't make it easy. Sometimes people tend to just think of the mother's feelings when a miscarriage has occurred. My sweet husband has hurt, and cried right along with me, and we both have grown so close during this. What would I do without him. I have scoured the Internet on lds.org trying to find something that will give me comfort. I have read so many different things, and have come to realize that I just have to accept that I don't understand why this happened, but I just have to trust that this was part of the Lord's plan, and some day one way or another I will see my sweet baby again. ****************************************************************************************************************** I hadn't read this again until a few days ago. I am glad that I wrote down my feelings when they were so near the surface. This experience effected me deeply. I will never forget the baby I was carrying and I have faith that I will see him or her again. We do not know if we will be able to add to our family while here on earth, but in my eyes we have already added to it. We just might have to wait a while to meet that special addition =)

12 comments:

Babzanne Barker said...

My sweet, sweet Diana! What a tender post. You have expresed your feelings, and Brandon's, so well. You are such wonderful parents, and are so good and kind to all children. I'm so proud of you, and I love you. Mom

AJ and Cindy said...

I am so glad you posted this. thank you for sharing, it totally brought tears to my eyes, especially when you were talking about the tender mercies. You are always so positive and insightful and it is evident that you were both those things during such a hard time. we love you so much

Tammy said...

Diana, thank you for sharing your tender feelings. My heart was aching as I read your experience. But I was also touched to see how Heavenly Father helped you get through it-lots of tender mercies. I've never experienced a miscarriage, but reading your post helps me to understand more what that would feel like. I can't even imagine. I have a friend who has gone through a lot of loss-her 2 year old and 2 stillborns. She has this quote on her facebook page:
"Parents who have surrendered the sweetest and smallest flowers from the family's garden need to remember our Heavenly Father. He has promised a special reward to those who now suffer in silence, who spend long days and longer nights through their trying times of bereavement. Our Creator has promised glory. He said, 'For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but nigh at hand.' (D&C 58:4) That promised glory includes the blessing of reunion with each child who has left the family circle to help surviving members of the family to draw nearer to God. Those children still live and are a heritage to the Lord."- Elder Russell M. Nelson

This is her blog if you ever want to read about her thoughts on loss. http://theincredibleimblers.blogspot.com/

I love you Diana! You're such a wonderful Mother, Wife and friend.

Beth said...

Oh Diana, you're such a sweet, wonderful person. I'm so glad you shared, and that you know the plan of salvation. Not sure how anybody makes it through really hard things without it. Families are forever! *hugs*

Celeste said...

You will be glad that you posted this and recorded your feelings. You were so good to look at all the right sources for your encouragement and help. Thank goodness for all those tender mercies. You're a wonderful mother!

Lynsey said...

Diana what a beautiful tender post, it brought tears to my eyes. You and Brandon are such amazing people and I know that Heavenly Father loves you very much. Having had a similar experience I know how hard it can be to lose something you love so much. I once heard that when you miscarry it just means that those babies were extra special and that they didn't need to come to earth to be tried but Heavenly Father needed them right back. You and Brandon are wonderful parents!

Charbel Barker said...

When I read this it made me think about my sister who has gone through something similar two times now. It has been four years now, and now this year they are going to try again to have their first baby.

Thank you so much for being so kind and loving with us and with Benji, even when you were so sad. I truly pray that every woman who desires to have a baby will be able to.
I love you very much, thank you for sharing your feelings with us.

Catherine said...

My words never seem to fully convey what's in my heart. I wish there was a way to show you what's in my heart right now, that passed my tears you could truly know my sincere love and thoughts for you and Brandon. You and your family are such a sweet part of my life. Your love and example strengthen me in tender ways. I am so thankful that you had the courage to share your thoughts from your experiences. You continue to help me find the strength to carry on and endure all that Heavenly Father desires. Thank you for your faithful example Diana. I sure love you!

Kristalyn said...

I just saw this posted and had to comment. Thank you so much for sharing your sweet thoughts and insights. I don't know if I would have been able to see all the positive ways that God was showing his love like you did. I was so shocked and sad when I heard because you are so kind and nice to everyone and I didn't want you to have to go through this. Any child would be extremely blessed to be sent to your family. You are so strong! Thank you for your example! I love you!

Katie said...

Diana--I haven't checked your blog for awhile, but I'm glad I did. I was crying throughout this whole post, and Forrest was very touched when he read it too. Thank for your sharing those parts from your journal. I can't even imagine what this must have felt like, but I do know that you and Brandon will be blessed ten fold. You're such an amazing person and I love you so much. Your children are such blessings, and I know that if you guys have another baby, it will be very lucky. I love you!

Jess said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I don't think anyone could read it and not cry. I'm glad you're hanging in there during an emotional month. You were right when you said you will be able to hold you're baby one day, something to look forward to and live worthy to be able to! Love you.

Jamie W said...

I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I experienced something similar in 2007. Thank you for sharing your beautiful post.