April 13th

I have debated whether or not to post this. It is so personal. I decided to do it today, because today was supposed to be a very special day for our family. April 13th was day we were supposed to have another sweet baby enter into our family. September 13 that dream ended when I found out the baby I was carrying did not have a heartbeat. When it first happened I had an overwhelming desire to write everything down, to record all of my feelings. I wanted to remember every detail, down to what I was wearing that day. In my journal I cried as I wrote page upon page of my tender feelings. Miscarriage is a heart wrenching thing to go through. I wrote some of my feelings into a blog and left in my draft folder for the past seven months, not really knowing if I would ever post it. My sister encouraged me to, and so I am. Even though 7 months has past and I have gotten back into my normal routine, my heart still feels sad, and my arms ache to hold my baby. Maybe my words will comfort someone else who has gone through this or will go through this. Here is what I wrote on September 17, 2010: ************************************************************************************************************* "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." ~Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. My sister has had this quote on her blog for quite some time. Although I have read it several times, I have read it through different eyes this time. Never did I think I would experience such sadness. I never understood the pain of miscarriage until I had to go through one myself. It has brought me comfort to record my feelings and emotions. 9 weeks and 5 days. I have counted every. single.day of this pregnancy. In 2 more days I would have been 10 weeks. It was the 13th, so I was exactly 2 months pregnant.. I was about 10 minutes early to a meeting I had with Levi's speech therapist on Monday, so as I sat in the car I thought I would call my doctor and see if they could see me that day. I was feeling a little crampy the week before, and not as sick as I have been throughout this pregnancy. I just threw up that morning though, so I am sure everything is just fine, I thought. Brandon was set to leave for Montana in 3 days, so I just want to make sure that everything is ok with the baby before he leaves. They had an appointment for 10:30. Perfect, I thought. That is just enough time for me to have my meeting. The meeting went really quickly so I decided to stop home really quick and grab my Joanns coupon. After the doctors office I wanted to stop and get some fabric to make a blanket for my sweet nephew who was just born on Saturday. Less the a half hour later I was told that my baby no longer had a heart beat. As she looked at the screen, the nurse practitioner said the baby was measuring 8 weeks 6 days. How far along are you? she asked. When she told me that, I knew 9 weeks and 5 days is what the baby should be measuring at, not 8 weeks 6. Where did you say your husband was going? She asked. Montana to sell roofs. I answered. After pausing she said, "I am glad he didn't go" Shock...confusion...disbelief..denial...sadness...tears...more tears...lack of understanding....how is this happening...is this happening....someone please tell me this isn't real....why me...why now...what if they are wrong...what did I do wrong...I want my baby... these are all feeling that I have felt this past week. Sometimes one by one, sometimes all at once, when I least expect it. This week has felt like a lifetime. Amidst the heartbreak that we have been feeling there have been blessings and tender mercies. My mom was supposed to be in Utah this week, but changed her ticket to go a week later so she could be home to help my dad with some things this week. What would I have done without her this week? I really don't know. Brandon was supposed to be in Grand Junction Monday morning in court for a ticket he got when we driving through there on our way to Las Vegas last month. The Friday before he had called and gotten it taken care of over the phone instead. Instead he was at home watching Levi while I ran my errands that morning. I went alone to the doctor thinking everything was just fine. When I received the news, he was only minutes away instead of hours. I don't think I could have walked out of that doctors office without his arms around me, holding me up. Brandon was supposed to leave for Montana to sell roofs on Thursday. Had I not felt like I should go to the doctor just to make sure everything was ok with the baby before he left, I probably would not have even known before he left. He would have gone on his trip and I could have miscarried all alone with him gone. The doctor said I could have gone another month before miscarrying. I have received phone calls, emails, texts, meals, flowers, thoughtful gifts, and many hugs from caring and compassionate friends and family. I have never felt so sad, but so loved at the same time. I know we will get through this, but that doesn't make it easy. Sometimes people tend to just think of the mother's feelings when a miscarriage has occurred. My sweet husband has hurt, and cried right along with me, and we both have grown so close during this. What would I do without him. I have scoured the Internet on lds.org trying to find something that will give me comfort. I have read so many different things, and have come to realize that I just have to accept that I don't understand why this happened, but I just have to trust that this was part of the Lord's plan, and some day one way or another I will see my sweet baby again. ****************************************************************************************************************** I hadn't read this again until a few days ago. I am glad that I wrote down my feelings when they were so near the surface. This experience effected me deeply. I will never forget the baby I was carrying and I have faith that I will see him or her again. We do not know if we will be able to add to our family while here on earth, but in my eyes we have already added to it. We just might have to wait a while to meet that special addition =)